There are times when your absence refreshes my life; when the darkness of the night brings comfort to my solitude. It would be accurate to say that I don’t need you during those ephemeral moments, that the mere thought of your existence emasculates my internal beast.
Here I proclaim that there are moments when I don’t need you, when you become an obstacle in my path, a swollen river to swim across, a barbwire fence to jump over, a cross on my shoulders. Minutes full of second guesses and what-ifs. Minutes of idolized distortions of my past. Minutes of a grandiose future without responsibilities and restrains.
I had different dreams before I met you; dreams of becoming someone else, of walking along a boulevard holding a stranger’s hand with casual interest; a happily-ever-after without mundane consequences.
Even then, in the silence of the night when I needed to escape from mon amour du jour, I never imagined that my life would cross path with yours; that our tangled dance would define my identity; that so much of me would fall under your spell.
I confess that I have resented my luck a few times, perhaps, a couple of times more than a should; that I have envied the recklessness of bachelor friends; that the accountability of husbandry and parenthood have taken a toll on my youthful dreams. Still, I’m here by you, most of the time, that is.
I am sure that you have these moments too.